Blargh! Foiled Again!

Cannibal is being shut down to unnecessary content and mostly because the FBI found out… Heh… Eh… Yeah.  Sorry guys!  I won’t be posting anymore.  I’ll be fully handing over my account to the writer of Misadventures Of a Misanthrope.  Heh.  Maybe I’ll see you on the web…

-Chompy.

Podcast #2, Very late… Sorry!

Podcast!

Enjoy, if that is at all possible.  I do hope it’s up-to-par!  Don’t forget to subscribe by email (on the side bar) or tell all your friends!  🙂

Anecdote Time With Brain!

Brain here.  Chompy took the week off.  Lovely girl.  Hate that she’s a cannibal, though.  She coul–wait, she is making something of her life!  What a revelation…

She asked me to write up a story for you guys.  I really had to dig on this one, my abnormally large brain has been… Malfunctioning as of late.  So, I’m pulling this one out of my hat.

A Brush with Cannibals

By Brain McNeurons

I was walking down the street in New Jewsey, looking for some meat.  (You find a delicious amount of Hobo’s there, just watch out for the druggies, if you drink their blood, you’ll get high… And it’s not fun when you fall from that high.  Not. Fun. At. All.)  It’d been a scarce week, I’d only had leftovers from my last few kills, a little teenager here, some smoked guy-who-wasted-his-life-and-is-now-dead there… Over all, a little bland.  Luckily, I had saved the heart.  Man was that good, that teen had really done some exer–Back on topic, right.

Now, you must understand that Chompy, myself, and the other cannibals in MS are not the only cannibals out there.  Now, while they’re few and far between, they’re still there.  Their methods may not be as efficient as ours, but they still uphold the same practice.  We call them “Wildies”.  Pretty Clever, huh?  I came up with that all by myself.

In New Jewsey, there is a cannibal who calls himself “Fang”.  Real nasty guy, even in cannibal terms.  He enjoys prolonged torture and has all but perfected it.  He’s an avid sadomasochist and he truly thinks its his goal in life to kill people and eat them.  Raw.

Well, old Fang doesn’t really like other Cannibals stealing from his territory, so when he heard I was in town, he paid me a visit.  (I was in Jewsey visiting a psychology workshop specializing in the minds of cannibals and Serial Killers.  That’s what I do for a living, by the way, I write books and such on cannibals… And other killers.)

He basically stormed my room, knife in hand, and decided to mouth me off.  Just to let you know, I learned Ninjutsu while in college (All eight horrid years of it.)  and I am well versed in how to fight off an attacker.  But, instead of kicking his butt, I let him state his business… It went sort of like this…

Fang:  Why are you here, worm?

Me:  First off, I’m a human, not a worm, and I happen to be here for a conference.

Fang:  If I hear you’re stealing my prizes…

Me:  So what if I do?  You’ve got enough to feed a cannibal army if you need.  Besides, one missing wouldn’t hurt…

At this point, I wrestle the knife from him and throw it over his head, on purpose, and it sticks in the wall, quivering.  He blinked and grabbed the knife, heading out.  He didn’t say a word, he just grunted as he left.  Odd fellow.  He’s awfully big.  Sort of like a John Cena meets Hannibal Lector sort of thing.  Interesting, is it not?  Yes, yes.  Oh.  Goodness gracious me! My orphan tear cookies are done baking!  Well, I must go!

May the Stars guide you, and your heart forge a path.

-Brain

Nike! Nike! (It’s like Greek or something for Victory…)

Cooking those lovely, dead victims. 

Now that your victims are dead and gone (Yes, like the song) you will need to properly cook them.  Remember that with all meats, you have set backs.  You must thoroughly cook your meat or you might get sick!  I prefer to fry my victims, but there are a host of options for you to pick from.

You can…

Fry Them!  *Sizzle!*

Bake Them!  *Health Nut*

Eat Them Raw!  *EWWWWWWWWWW*

Grill Them!  *Hiiiiiiiiiiiiisss….*

I would suggest you buy a meat lover’s cook book and find some recipies in there.  Here are some interesting Cannibal Dish names.

You can create your own recipies and send them to me at Cannibalweekly@gmail.com! I’d love to have your ideas!  I’ll be posting up more and more recipies; about three-five every two weeks or so.  Watch for them!

This concludes our five *cough*six*cough* article project teaching you how to be a cannibal.  If you have any questions, leave us a comment or an email!

God Speed, Young Ones.

-Chompy.

Looks Like We’re (Almost) Finished Here, Folks. (Part I)

(2nd to) Last Article! This is the last time I’m doing a series of articles.  Ugh.  It’s tiring.  Ok, maybe not the last, but they’ll be shorter next time, I promise.  *There will be a part two, I didn’t expect these to be so long, or tiring.*

Tonight, I’ll be writing about killing and cooking your victims.

*All views expressed in the article come from a cannibal of two years who considers herself a worthy expert on the topic of cannibalism and killing techniques.*

Nifty Disclaimer, isn’t it?  Ha.  Moving on.

And Now, Ladies and Gentlemen, for the most anticipated part of tonight’s showing…

Killing Your Victims.

*Thunderous Applause.*

(If you can’t tell, I’m a bit bored… I should be sleeping… But I’m going to stay up to finish this article…)

Think of every way to kill a person that you can.

If you’re like me, you just thought of about a billion… And one.

I’m going to touch on a few, just a quick over view of what I like and I suggest.

Based on a 1-10 Scale, 1 being a BIG no-no, and 10 being, “You really, really should consider using this.  Yeah.  REALLY.”

Guns:

I’m not a big gun fan.  Guns require a license and they can be traced.  They are efficient, general easy to use and can, if used correctly, kill your victims swiftly.  You can attach a silencer to the gun and it’ll be pretty quiet… Even though your lair should be sound PROOF already.  Over all, a 6.

Blunt Objects:

A bit messier then your average gun, blunt objects can be fun to use but they require a big of strength.  Whether, you’re bashing their head in with a statue, or crushing their heart with a brick, blunt objects are more about letting out rage then efficiency.  I’d give them a 4 due to the blood splatter and the fact they might be able to be traced.

Knives:

My absolutely FAVORITE choice, knives give you just the right amount of blood, you can make them bleed in almost any spot, and there are so many ways to kill them with knives.  You could cut their throat.  You could stab them.  You could hit a major artery, or two… Or all of them.  You could disembowel them.  Endless possibilities.  I’d give them a nine because they’re easy to use, but there is still blood.

Posions:

Easy to use, but sometimes hard to get an handle.  You have to be very, very careful when using a poison because you  could easily poison yourself.  They kill relatively quickly and can be disguised or given bluntly.  I’ll give them an eight due to the danger level but easy usability.

Strangling:

You can use your hands, a rope, a chain, or a cord.  Strangling is harder than you think.  You have to make sure that they’re tied down tightly and THEN you strangle them.  I suggest you use a cord (like… metal or something.)  Just make sure you’re comfortable holding on to it for an extended period of time, because this could get messy.  I’ll give it an eight because it can be used as a torture technique AND a method for killing, but it’s hard to do on occasion.

While there are a million other ways to kill your victims, this is just an over view.  I’ll be back later with part two on cooking your victims.

God Speed, Young Ones.

-Chompy.

This is Getting a Tad Old…

This article and then ONE more!  You’re so happy that we’re almost done, aren’t you?  Yes, I know.  My constant badgering with steps, fancy italics and bold words.  Luckily, I’m almost done informing you on how to become a cannibal.  As sure as I’m sitting here, if you follow my instructions you will most likely be able to be a succesful cannibal killer.

Here are a few more steps:

8. Torturing Your Victims.

If you’re not one to torture, you can skip over this step and move on to the next one, it all depends on your personal preference.  Remember: Cannibalism is all about personal style and flair — as long as you stay safe.

Let’s talk about types of torture.

Psychological:

Psychological torture involves messing with the mind of your victims.  This can be as simple as making your lair look like is a windowless, doorless room.  Or, it could be as complex as making them watch videos you made of other victims you’ve tortured physically.  I would advise you to stay away from this sort of torture until you’ve become comfortable with the rest of the process.  I say this only because psychological torture can be mentally and physically taxing on the tortuerer.  As always, be careful.

Physical:

Physical torture spans hundreds of years and can be looked at a multitude of different ways.  Torture of this sort has been used in interrogation by the government.  It’s also been used by murderers and cannibals alike.  Let’s break this down a little further.

Prolonged Torture:

Torture that takes place over a span of time exceeding one day.  This includes some sorts of psychological torture and certain types of physical torture.  Starving, dehydrating, and malnurturing are forms of prolonged torture.  I enjoy cutting my victims, dressing the wound, waiting for hit to heal, and then cutting over it again.  It usually takes quite some time for me to do it, and it’s the only torture Lillian lets me participate in.

Short Torture:

This includes torture such as: letting them bleed out, letting a disease take them, and using smaller, but more potent, torture devices.  This is completely up to you on what you do to torture them.  Why not check out the History of Torture.

Torture Devices.

Yup.  That’s just about it.

God Speed, Young Ones.

-Chompy.

 

More Steps!? No Way!?!?!

I just bit into an eyeball.  I’ve always thought they had a very distinctive, very… Squishy texture.  So, before I plunge into the next few steps, I want to tell you something weird that happened to me like… Yesterday.

I was at home, just chilling in my bed, and I decided to go down to the basement in order to clean it. (Every lair should be cleaned well!)  And the moment I stepped into the lair, Lillian, my sadomasochist personality, took over.  But, I didn’t realize this until four hours later when I’m sitting on the floor of my lair, soaked in blood, with a dead, (not to mention hot) guy on my table… Quite literally.  He’d apparently been tortured.  Lillian decided to have some fun with him and I eventually pieced everything together.  (Lillian communicates with me through pictures and dreams that I remember only slightly… Like an out of body experience.)

She strapped him to the table and decided to first start torturing his mind.   She toyed with him by making him think she’d left him go if he stayed really still and quiet while she worked (she apparently was cooking up the last bit of meat from one of my other victims… I discovered it was missing just today).  Then, she decided to see how many tiny little cuts she could make on his body until he bled out.  Her findings were inconclusive due to the fact she stopped counting somewhere between the throat and the belly button.

He was delicious, if you were wondering.

Yeah, yeah.  I guess I need to tell you more about being a cannibal.

So we’ve got the mindset, we’re looking for a rhythm, we’ve (hopefully) gotten a lair, and we’ve started to find our favorite victim types.  In this article, I thought I should outline stalking, kidnapping, and securing the victims within the lair.  (This will be the third installment within the series, leaving two more after this.)

Blood Bath and Beyond.   (Clever title courtesy of the Lee and Cameron.  Whom you don’t know.)

5.Stalking: Pros and Cons.

Stalking is a great method in which to obtain victims.  Since you’ve most likely gotten in your mind what type of victim you want, you need to begin planning how to get said soon-to-be-victim.

Let me tell you a little about my first “stab” (pun intended) at stalking.

This was before I fell out of bed and J.J. (my stalker personality) entered my realm of existence.

It was the beginning of ninth grade year and I was feeling awfully dispirited.  I hadn’t seen many of my friends over the summer and so for the most part I had missed them.  During the first few weeks, I had so much human interaction it was an overload.  Then I met Mr.Adams.  He was a college observer who came into our Honors English class to… Well… Observe us and learn how to teach and handle a group of teenagers.

He seemed like a well-rounded, nice young man.  For some reason, he stuck in my mind.  Over the next four weeks, he became my escape from the torture of ninth grade.  In two weeks I knew that his mom had died in a car wreck and his dad had Parkinson’s, and was on the brink of death from a bout of pneumonia that hit him after a week of the flu.  I also learned that he had one sister who had been basically kicked out of the house for doing drugs and becoming a prostitute.  Messed up family, if you ask me… But hey, who am I to judge?  I just killed the kid.

Anyway, I took loads of pictures and tried to do it like they do in the movies.  I found out you don’t have to do have the stuff they do in the movies.  I just followed him around campus, acted like a pre-med student… I even picked up some books and spent an hour in the library using a fake ID, fake studying in order to spy on him.

I figured out that he lived alone in a one-room apartment like two feet from his college (Mississippi College — The Christian One… It’s in Clinton, where I live).  I also found out he’d recently broken up with his girlfriend.  Everything was lining up perfectly.  So, one night I snuck over to his apartment, picked the lock (it’s not too hard to learn… Once you get the hang of it, you feel like a pro), and tasered him.  He was out in seconds.  I dragged him out and put him in the van I had rented. (Fake ID, for the wind, much?)  And hauled him to my off-site (not under my house) lair.  It’s a lair that’s underneath this really, really old church.  I’m pretty sure that it was used for torture at one time because it’s PERFECT.

Right, so… When we got there, I strapped him to a table, prepared my knives and such and waited for him to wake up.  He eventually did, and he didn’t seem all that surprised to find out it was me.  He said he had known there was something “off” about me.  I pride myself in being… “off”, I told him.

Here’s how the conversation went:

Him: Are you going to kill me?

Me: Yes, you’re almost too good to kill, though.  Almost.  You know, I’ve been stalking you for over four weeks now… I’m surprised you never noticed me.

Him: I thought I saw you, but I wrote it off as just sleep deprivation.  It won’t do me any good to scream, will it?

Me: I certainly won’t mind.  I’m a bit of a sadist.  We’re underneath the church.  Remarkable how close we are to the college, isn’t it?

Side note:  The church is quite literally only a two-lane road away from the college… And I was essentially underneath the road and parts of the college AND the church.

Him: A bit sacrilegious, don’t you think?

Me: I’m about to kill you, I think I’m far past sacrilegious.

He closed his eyes and a single tear rolled down his cheek.  Then, with a slight smile, I began cutting.  He went quite quickly, I didn’t really enjoy seeing him go.  He was so nice.

If you’re as committed as I am, I’d suggest getting a few different IDs for multiple aliases and if you know anyone who can make fake documents ( I know some of the will-be programmers, hackers, graphic artists, etc. of tomorrow, so I’ve got my things covered.)

Always be prepared to explain why you’re in a certain place and don’t say anything that could get you sent away from a certain place, it could hinder your work greatly.

Know your victim’s routes and routine, the more you know, the better.

6. Kidnapping… Yay!

Moving on to the kidnapping step.

Once you’ve gotten your lovely victim selected and stalked, you need to abduct them.  I’d suggest a taser, a tranquilizer, a poison, or a knife.  You can kill them at the scene and then haul them away or you can subdue them and then transport them.

Make sure the abductions go smoothly and the victims DO NOT get away.  This could prove disastrous.  If you know your history, you’ll know that Jefferey Dahmer was caught because one of his would-be victims got away and rant to the police.

That’s really all I’ve got to say about kidnapping.

7. Securing the Victim

Making sure your victim will not get away from your layer is very important.  I would suggest you get a table with leather or metal restraints for their arms, legs, neck, and torso.  Also make sure if they do get out of the restraints, they won’t be able to get out of the lair.  Even if they get out of the restraints, you can subdue them in the lair much easier than out on the streets or where ever tickles your fancy…

Also, I would suggest you keep them knocked out as long as possible and you kill them as soon as you’re done torturing them… The longer they’re alive, the more of risk they become.

Alrighty!  Check in next time for killing methods, ways to store your food, cooking, and maybe even some body dumping tips!

God Speed, Young Ones.

-Chompy.

And the Next Step Is…

Step Four:

Begin finding victims.

Selecting victims that fit you is often a long process.  Most cannibals enjoy leaner meat, so they go for the smaller, younger, more muscular types.  Some people enjoy a bit of fat to flavor up their meals, so they hunt larger prey.

You may prefer blondes, or brunettes, maybe even red-heads (No, i’m a red head.  No eating red heads.)  If you enjoy blacks instead of whites, Asian instead of Middle Eastern; you just have to look around until you find your ideal victim.

What I eat.

I prefer younger males in their late teens, early twenties.  Now understand that when I said in earlier articles that I don’t torture, I wasn’t lying.  I’m not a schizophrenic, but I do have multiple personality disorder and it can be hard living with these personalities within me.  I’m not just one person, but many.

Lillian, an avid sadomasochist and torture buff, she takes over when ever I’m in my basement.  I rarely have much recollection of what she does, but she always seems happy.  I’ve had her relate stories to me.  They’re… Frightening.

When stalking prey, J.J. comes out.  J.J. is a very good stalker, it almost comes naturally to her.  She knows how to tail a car and even get a guy to just step into her car.  She usually is the one who brings home the meals.  🙂

I have a few other personalities, but they don’t pertain to much that’s happening in this article.

So, find your own victim type.  They can range from very young to sort of old.  I would advise you try out a few victims before settling on a certain type.  I prefer men, but I usually get women because they’re more tender.  But, that’s just personal preference.

Right-o I need to go get my next stalking expedition outlined and planned.

God Speed, Young Ones.

-Chompy.

How To Be a Cannibal: In Five Articles.

How this will be set up:

I’ll do an five articles over the span of a few days, each covering a few steps in the process of being a Cannibal.  By the end of the five articles, you will know just about everything you need to know to be a cannibal.  🙂

Step One:

Getting into the Mindset!

As a cannibal, you will be quite literally slaughtering people.  On top of that, you’ll be eating their bodies.  If you happen to have religious beliefs, that could hinder you greatly.  Now, while most cannibals are Athiest, agnostics, or undecided, I have known a few that adopt a religion…

Know your history.  The history of cannibalism spans centuries, and you should have some sort of knowledge of it.  I personally have learned quite a lot and I am working on learning more!  You can begin learning here.  I suggest you begin learning soon.  🙂

Step Two:

Finding your own rhythm.

Every cannibal has their own unique and very odd style of abducting, killing, dismembering, cooking, and eating.  Once you have learned your history, you can see how cannibals have done it before.  If you see a style you like, you might want to give it a try.  I would suggest you experiment with your first few kills, and find a method that suites you, and makes you feel good.  If you decided to do what another person did, or is doing, you should probably add a bit of your own style in there.  Like I said, just do what feels right.

Step Three:

Setting up your lair.

Every cannibal should have a lovely looking lair! I’ve outlined everything you need in this article.

Righto.  I’m going to go eat ramen and some left over arm meat.  Delicious!

-Chompy.

Perfecting the Lair.

Every good cannibal should have their hide-out, super-duper secret lair where they torture, cook, and eat their victims. (Torture is not required.  I myself do not torture.)  The lair should be:

1. Easy to Clean.

No one likes a messy lair.  Even the evilest villains like their evil caves to be pristine!

What I recommend:

If you don’t like the blood, drain it! If all that sticky, hot, messy blood makes you want to just baaaaarf, drain it out of that body.  You can steal an idea from Dexter (On Showtime, look it up, it’s great)  The Ice Truck Killer (season one) drained his victims of blood in a cold room and stored the blood and the bodies for a short period of time before laying them out neatly around Miami.  If you don’t want to store the blood, get an actual drain that leads to a tank, when possible, dump the tank some where.  So, the ICTK(Ice truck killer) would string his victims upside down and then slit their throats, draining the blood from the body.  Slit the throat, let gravity and the heart take over.  Truly simple.  I’d suggest this for anyone who dislikes blood.  It would be best to have a bucket underneath them.  🙂

Have an evil clean-up closet. In order to clean up the blood and other things, you’ll need loads upon loads of bleach and other clean up supplies, so why not have a neat little closet?  Every lair should have one, preferably that blends into the wall, so when your victims wake up, they think they’re in a room with no doors. MWAHAHAHAHAH. Ahem.  I’m not a sadist, I promise.

Have Proper STORAGE. Like the above paragraph says, having somewhere to store things is very, very beneficial to you.(:  If you happen to enjoy eating larger chunks of meat later (thighs, chests, stomachs, or arms) then you need to have proper storage of them.  If they start rotting, the lair starts smelling!  No one wants a smelly lair.  😡  <— That guy has a smelly lair. Now he’s very mad that he didn’t read this article.  Tsk, tsk.

2.  Have a Sound PROOF lair.

When your victims are screaming their heads off as you torture them in… (your basement, your attic, your living room, a trailer in the middle of no-where… A hotel room, etc.)  You don’t want the neighbors to hear, now do you?  You can only blame it on “Oh, she tripped on the stairs” so many times.  If you don’t sound PROOF (note Proof is in large letters.  There must be NO sound leaving.) walls, door, etc.  The police will be able to find you a LOT easier.  Trust me, I know from experience.

Anecdote time!:

Eat-um-up, the tribal name for one of our resident cannibals here in Mississippi, once had a wonderful, two-story lair.  It had every torture device you could EVER imagine and so much more.  It was mind-bogglingly beautiful.   Absolutely great.  But, he didn’t have sound-proof walls! *E-GASP* (*Whisper, whisper*: How dare he!?).  Well, he once had three women in there at once… And when he was out restocking his Bleach supply, a policeman heard their cries, raided the house and Eat-um-up was soon apprehended, arrested, and sentenced to death.

Not a very cheery story, eh?  THIS IS NOT A JOKE.  You MUST, MUST, MUST, MUUUUUUUUUUUST, sound PROOF your lair! I cannot stress that enough to you! Do you WANT to die?  (You silly masochists…)

3. Have GREAT security.

You think having a sound proof room is important?  Well keeping your lair well secured is even MORE important.  If one of your victims happens to escape… Well, you’re dead.  You’ll be found, hiding in your lair, rocking back and forth, eating the last of your thigh meat, singing Bob Dylan songs in a really pitch-y voice, and crying to your mother like a small, emotionally deprived and demented child.  You might even start talking to yourself.  This is what bad security can do to you.  Be careful.

What I recommend:

Always have a lock, a double lock, and a (if you can afford it) digital keypad, retinal scanner, or fingerprint scanner.

Nothing can beat a good-old fashioned digital lock… Unless of course you’re a hacking genius.. But… What would they want with your lair… Nothing, I should hope…

4. Location, Location, Location!

Whether you’re a suburban house wife or a hillbilly with no life, location important when perfecting the lair.  Basements have always made Amazing lairs.  They’re dark, scary, and usually already sound proof.  Large, scary houses out in the country with smaller storage houses out back are great.  Not only will kids dare each other to walk right in, when they don’t come back, no one will talk.  Mwahahahha… Cough, cough, cough.  Why is this still scratched.. Oh, better.  Anyway…

The more remote, the better.  But I do understand if you have to keep it close… Just make sure it’s well hidden and, if you have kids, make sure they don’t stumble upon it… Now that would be an interesting conversation…

5.Comfort is King!

When you’re torturing people for hours on end, or just snacking on your latest victim, you need a comfortable place to sit and “chill”.  I’d suggest an Egg Chair, Bean Bag/Bed, or a Chaise Bed (You can record your tortures and watch them over… And over… And over again!

Whether your victim is comfortable or not is not important.  See, when it comes to a lair, it’s all about YOU.

Good luck on those lairs!

God Speed, Young Ones.

-Chompy