How To Be a Cannibal: In Five Articles.

How this will be set up:

I’ll do an five articles over the span of a few days, each covering a few steps in the process of being a Cannibal.  By the end of the five articles, you will know just about everything you need to know to be a cannibal.  🙂


Step One:

Getting into the Mindset!

As a cannibal, you will be quite literally slaughtering people.  On top of that, you’ll be eating their bodies.  If you happen to have religious beliefs, that could hinder you greatly.  Now, while most cannibals are Athiest, agnostics, or undecided, I have known a few that adopt a religion…

Know your history.  The history of cannibalism spans centuries, and you should have some sort of knowledge of it.  I personally have learned quite a lot and I am working on learning more!  You can begin learning here.  I suggest you begin learning soon.  🙂

Step Two:

Finding your own rhythm.

Every cannibal has their own unique and very odd style of abducting, killing, dismembering, cooking, and eating.  Once you have learned your history, you can see how cannibals have done it before.  If you see a style you like, you might want to give it a try.  I would suggest you experiment with your first few kills, and find a method that suites you, and makes you feel good.  If you decided to do what another person did, or is doing, you should probably add a bit of your own style in there.  Like I said, just do what feels right.

Step Three:

Setting up your lair.

Every cannibal should have a lovely looking lair! I’ve outlined everything you need in this article.

Righto.  I’m going to go eat ramen and some left over arm meat.  Delicious!

-Chompy.

Perfecting the Lair.

Every good cannibal should have their hide-out, super-duper secret lair where they torture, cook, and eat their victims. (Torture is not required.  I myself do not torture.)  The lair should be:

1. Easy to Clean.

No one likes a messy lair.  Even the evilest villains like their evil caves to be pristine!

What I recommend:

If you don’t like the blood, drain it! If all that sticky, hot, messy blood makes you want to just baaaaarf, drain it out of that body.  You can steal an idea from Dexter (On Showtime, look it up, it’s great)  The Ice Truck Killer (season one) drained his victims of blood in a cold room and stored the blood and the bodies for a short period of time before laying them out neatly around Miami.  If you don’t want to store the blood, get an actual drain that leads to a tank, when possible, dump the tank some where.  So, the ICTK(Ice truck killer) would string his victims upside down and then slit their throats, draining the blood from the body.  Slit the throat, let gravity and the heart take over.  Truly simple.  I’d suggest this for anyone who dislikes blood.  It would be best to have a bucket underneath them.  🙂

Have an evil clean-up closet. In order to clean up the blood and other things, you’ll need loads upon loads of bleach and other clean up supplies, so why not have a neat little closet?  Every lair should have one, preferably that blends into the wall, so when your victims wake up, they think they’re in a room with no doors. MWAHAHAHAHAH. Ahem.  I’m not a sadist, I promise.

Have Proper STORAGE. Like the above paragraph says, having somewhere to store things is very, very beneficial to you.(:  If you happen to enjoy eating larger chunks of meat later (thighs, chests, stomachs, or arms) then you need to have proper storage of them.  If they start rotting, the lair starts smelling!  No one wants a smelly lair.  😡  <— That guy has a smelly lair. Now he’s very mad that he didn’t read this article.  Tsk, tsk.

2.  Have a Sound PROOF lair.

When your victims are screaming their heads off as you torture them in… (your basement, your attic, your living room, a trailer in the middle of no-where… A hotel room, etc.)  You don’t want the neighbors to hear, now do you?  You can only blame it on “Oh, she tripped on the stairs” so many times.  If you don’t sound PROOF (note Proof is in large letters.  There must be NO sound leaving.) walls, door, etc.  The police will be able to find you a LOT easier.  Trust me, I know from experience.

Anecdote time!:

Eat-um-up, the tribal name for one of our resident cannibals here in Mississippi, once had a wonderful, two-story lair.  It had every torture device you could EVER imagine and so much more.  It was mind-bogglingly beautiful.   Absolutely great.  But, he didn’t have sound-proof walls! *E-GASP* (*Whisper, whisper*: How dare he!?).  Well, he once had three women in there at once… And when he was out restocking his Bleach supply, a policeman heard their cries, raided the house and Eat-um-up was soon apprehended, arrested, and sentenced to death.

Not a very cheery story, eh?  THIS IS NOT A JOKE.  You MUST, MUST, MUST, MUUUUUUUUUUUST, sound PROOF your lair! I cannot stress that enough to you! Do you WANT to die?  (You silly masochists…)

3. Have GREAT security.

You think having a sound proof room is important?  Well keeping your lair well secured is even MORE important.  If one of your victims happens to escape… Well, you’re dead.  You’ll be found, hiding in your lair, rocking back and forth, eating the last of your thigh meat, singing Bob Dylan songs in a really pitch-y voice, and crying to your mother like a small, emotionally deprived and demented child.  You might even start talking to yourself.  This is what bad security can do to you.  Be careful.

What I recommend:

Always have a lock, a double lock, and a (if you can afford it) digital keypad, retinal scanner, or fingerprint scanner.

Nothing can beat a good-old fashioned digital lock… Unless of course you’re a hacking genius.. But… What would they want with your lair… Nothing, I should hope…

4. Location, Location, Location!

Whether you’re a suburban house wife or a hillbilly with no life, location important when perfecting the lair.  Basements have always made Amazing lairs.  They’re dark, scary, and usually already sound proof.  Large, scary houses out in the country with smaller storage houses out back are great.  Not only will kids dare each other to walk right in, when they don’t come back, no one will talk.  Mwahahahha… Cough, cough, cough.  Why is this still scratched.. Oh, better.  Anyway…

The more remote, the better.  But I do understand if you have to keep it close… Just make sure it’s well hidden and, if you have kids, make sure they don’t stumble upon it… Now that would be an interesting conversation…

5.Comfort is King!

When you’re torturing people for hours on end, or just snacking on your latest victim, you need a comfortable place to sit and “chill”.  I’d suggest an Egg Chair, Bean Bag/Bed, or a Chaise Bed (You can record your tortures and watch them over… And over… And over again!

Whether your victim is comfortable or not is not important.  See, when it comes to a lair, it’s all about YOU.

Good luck on those lairs!

God Speed, Young Ones.

-Chompy

What Blood can do for You!

Hot, sticky, and messy; blood is often seen as something gross, or horrible.  Some cannibals, often referred to as Vampires, (not the sparkly, gorgeous ones)  but the real-life, cannibal ones.  Many think the blood tastes good, or will help regulate their digestive system.

We have the real effects of Blood on your body.  Brain, our resident cannibal expert and scientist has been working for over a month with his wife to find out what blood really did to a person.  His findings are more than surprising.

1. A Skin Mostirizer

When placed on the skin, blood, over time (about a week) will soften your skin and make it glow!  Just make sure that you wash it off after you rub it on (leave it on for about… Ten minutes)

2. Regulate that tummy!

If you drink one cup of blood for six days, your stomach will begin working a lot better!  The chemicals within blood help calm the acid in your stomach.  🙂

3. Help you feel more rested.

Just like many health foods, Blood can give you more energy!  It helps to stimulate the neurons within your brain and helps to wake you up.

Got more uses for blood?  Email us or Comment! I bet Brain would love to test some more theories!  🙂

God Speed, Young Ones.

-Chompy.

Resturant Ideas For The Cannibalistically Inclined(:

Always Hiring!

Well Ain't that just dandy?

I was contemplating opening up a restaurant that serves the cannibals of the world.  We wouldn’t really fit into any ethnic group, so I would most likely just call us an “All-Human” restaurant.  My friend even came up with a joke for it… Don’t tell him, but I think it’s a bit lame… 😀  :

Picture This:

[A group of four teenagers walk into KFP, they had always heard legends about what they served here and were going there out of a dare.  They approach the server at the door, his face has a slight smile, his specially carved fangs jutting out a bit.]

Server:  “How many?”

Boy #1: “Four.”

Server: “So… Three?”

Boy #2: “No, Four.”

Server: [His smile wider.] “I’ll take care of that.”

Hehehehe… *Eye Roll* Spot on.  Yuppers.

Great, isn’t it?  I mean, wouldn’t this be just a lovely restaurant?  We’d have all sorts of dishes, some of the ones I wrote about and tons more.  So… Anyone want to donate to the cause?  *Wink, Wink.*

Right, you can email us at:  Cannibalweekly@gmail.com

Do you have any restaurant ideas of your owns?  Why not write it in a comment? 😀

God Speed, Young Ones.

-Chompy.

*Disclaimer*:  (My Mother made me put this… *Eye Roll*… Mostly just inc ase someone from like.. The FBI read my blog…)  This blog is primarily for humor purposes, there are real cannibals out there, myself not one of them.

Three New Dishes to Regulate Your Digestive System!

Your health is important very, very, very important.  If you get sick and have to go to a doctor, you can’t exactly explain what’s in your stomach, now can you?  So, you need to keep your tummy happy, and regulated.  Now we have some dishes that will help you run smoothly!

From the Cookbook of our Very own Brain!:

1. Mama’s Black Eye Casserole:

Ingredients: (Serves Two Healthy Cannibals)

Six eyeballs.

Ten Tortillas or Three Feet of fresh flesh.

One Cup of Cheese (This cannot be susbstituted.)

At least a cup and a half of slightly coagulated, room temperature blood.

And a filler:  This can be refried beans, actual beans, or a cream of <insert random thing here>.

Cooking Directions:

Heat the oven to 354 degrees.

Cut the Tortilla (or skin) into small, one inch strips.

Line a casserole pan with the tortilla (or skin).

Insert filler into pan.

Chop up eyeballs into quarter bits (or smaller, depending on size)

Place eyeballs into pan.

Insert Blood.

Top with cheese.

Place in over for at least thirty minutes.

Take out (carefully! We don’t want burnt fingers!) of the oven, and enjoy!(:

 

2. Chitlin’s (Cannibal Style)

Ingredients: (Feeds Two-Four Healthy Cannibals)

One large Intestine.

Two small Intestines.

Directions:

Fry the Intestines.

Let them cool.

Eat.

Enjoy.

 

3. Cannibal’s Delight

Ingredients: (Serves One Lovely Cannibal)

Half a cup of blood.

Whipped (like… Icing.) Chocolate.  As much as you like.

Two eyeballs.

(Optional) Brain.

Directions:

Put the chocolate in a bowl.

Pour Blood over it.

Place eyeballs on top.

(Optional) Put brain-bits Around the chocolate.

Eat.

Enjoy.

 

See, it’s so easy, a Cannibal could do it! 😉

God Speed, Young Ones.

-Chompy.

Choosing Which of your Friends to Eat.

Now, as your pickings become weak (due to this silly economy)  you may have to resort to eating your friends.  But who, you may ask, should you eat first?

As a long time cannibal and killer, I would suggest you kill the most annoying first.  If they bug you to no end, then get them out of this world and start feasting.  If someone starts getting a tad suspicious, you may fall into the line of suspects, but, being a seasoned liar (as you should be) you can wiggle your way out of anything, right?

Police Officer: Is that a human leg in your trunk?

You: Uh… No.  I’m a… Magician.  It’s a part of my trick.  I actually need to get to a show as soon as I can…

Police Officer: Wow!  A magician, sorry man, you can go. *Grin… Wave*

See, just as long as they believe you, it’s fine.  Righto, so try to feast on strangers for the time being, if you don’t, things could get messy!  🙂

I would advise that you don’t eat anyone related to you, or any of your  best friends–not matter how delicious you think they may be.  I’ll be posting a list of rules for Cannibals later on that will continue to grow as I remember more and more.

Ah, so… If you happen to eat someone you’re related to, I suggest you change your name and move.  Quickly.  Because family is usually suspected first.  But if you kill hobo’s and idiots, then the world will be a better place.

With that in mind, I leave you.  Happy feasting.  🙂

God Speed, Young Ones.

-Chompy.

Valentines is here. :)

I decided to find some items that can help you “break the news” to your loved ones.  🙂

This Giant Bleeding Heart Gummy Candy.

Here’s the link:  http://www.thinkgeek.com/interests/valentines/d19a/

The Bleeding Heart

And…

Blood energy potion–you’ll love it.  🙂

God Speed, Young Ones.

-Chompy