Valentines day is tomorrow. Yup. Love and happiness and goodness. Yuck. 🙂
So, on the day of love and awesomeness you probably have that “Special Someone” that you love more than a good, nicely fried finger(or toe). If they don’t share in your cannibalistic habits, things can get a bit… Hectic. I mean, how will you take them to dinner when you’ve already been feasting on brains all night?
We’ve come up with some ways to tell your lover what kind of person you really are:
1. The Blunt Approach.
Itching just to tell them? Then do just that! Tell them what you are, explain in great detail. And make sure they don’t go to the police. 🙂
Note: If your lover finds what you do disgusting and breaks up with you, don’t think we didn’t warn you it might happen… And if they threaten to go to the cops, you might have to eat them.
2. The “I love you, but I’d like to eat you” Card Approach.
You’ve probably seen all those Hallmark cards with the cute catch phrases. Well, why not make one of your own to break the news to the one you love! Our resident cannibal expert, Brain, once made a card that said, “I love you” in big letters on the front, and on the inside, in big letters, it said, “But, I’d like to boil your flesh right off your beautiful body and devour it.” And then, in his hand writing, he wrote, “So, dinner tonight? (: Love, Brain.”
While you may go for a card that’s a bit more subtle, Brain’s card worked and he now has a loving, cannibal wife. 🙂
3. During Dinner Approach.
While you’re enjoying that lovely bit of arm meat steak, why not tell your lover, in quite, hushed, but loving tones,
“Honey… You know what?”
“What, Sweetie bear?”
“I’m a cannibal.”
While it appears to be the same as the blunt approach, the fact you’re eating dinner often softens the other person up and causes them to hate what you are a little less. 🙂
4. The Truth and A Gift Approach.
Who doesn’t love getting gifts? Psha. Weirdos, that’s who. Well, if your lover isn’t a weirdo, why not get them a gift before you tell them what you are. Here are a few ideas:
A locket: Girls are suckers for lockets and most of them would jump for joy if they received one, regardless of what was inside. When you get the locket, put a note inside that says, “I love you, and I’m a cannibal.” Not only will she swoon in joy, she’ll finally know. 🙂
Recording Teddy Bear: Teddy bears are just plain adorable. Now-a-days, they make some that record messages. Why not record one for your “Pookie-bear, Sweetie-Pie”? Some message ideas:
“I’m a teddy bear, and your one and only love got me so I could tell you he’s a cannibal. Teehee.”
“You’re beautiful. I’m a cannibal. Waffles.”
“Love is a fragile thing. So are bones. Which is probably why I like flesh the best. I’m a cannibal.”
However you tell them, make sure they don’t go around telling anyone else, especially the police!
God Speed, Young Ones.