More Steps!? No Way!?!?!

I just bit into an eyeball.  I’ve always thought they had a very distinctive, very… Squishy texture.  So, before I plunge into the next few steps, I want to tell you something weird that happened to me like… Yesterday.

I was at home, just chilling in my bed, and I decided to go down to the basement in order to clean it. (Every lair should be cleaned well!)  And the moment I stepped into the lair, Lillian, my sadomasochist personality, took over.  But, I didn’t realize this until four hours later when I’m sitting on the floor of my lair, soaked in blood, with a dead, (not to mention hot) guy on my table… Quite literally.  He’d apparently been tortured.  Lillian decided to have some fun with him and I eventually pieced everything together.  (Lillian communicates with me through pictures and dreams that I remember only slightly… Like an out of body experience.)

She strapped him to the table and decided to first start torturing his mind.   She toyed with him by making him think she’d left him go if he stayed really still and quiet while she worked (she apparently was cooking up the last bit of meat from one of my other victims… I discovered it was missing just today).  Then, she decided to see how many tiny little cuts she could make on his body until he bled out.  Her findings were inconclusive due to the fact she stopped counting somewhere between the throat and the belly button.

He was delicious, if you were wondering.

Yeah, yeah.  I guess I need to tell you more about being a cannibal.

So we’ve got the mindset, we’re looking for a rhythm, we’ve (hopefully) gotten a lair, and we’ve started to find our favorite victim types.  In this article, I thought I should outline stalking, kidnapping, and securing the victims within the lair.  (This will be the third installment within the series, leaving two more after this.)

Blood Bath and Beyond.   (Clever title courtesy of the Lee and Cameron.  Whom you don’t know.)

5.Stalking: Pros and Cons.

Stalking is a great method in which to obtain victims.  Since you’ve most likely gotten in your mind what type of victim you want, you need to begin planning how to get said soon-to-be-victim.

Let me tell you a little about my first “stab” (pun intended) at stalking.

This was before I fell out of bed and J.J. (my stalker personality) entered my realm of existence.

It was the beginning of ninth grade year and I was feeling awfully dispirited.  I hadn’t seen many of my friends over the summer and so for the most part I had missed them.  During the first few weeks, I had so much human interaction it was an overload.  Then I met Mr.Adams.  He was a college observer who came into our Honors English class to… Well… Observe us and learn how to teach and handle a group of teenagers.

He seemed like a well-rounded, nice young man.  For some reason, he stuck in my mind.  Over the next four weeks, he became my escape from the torture of ninth grade.  In two weeks I knew that his mom had died in a car wreck and his dad had Parkinson’s, and was on the brink of death from a bout of pneumonia that hit him after a week of the flu.  I also learned that he had one sister who had been basically kicked out of the house for doing drugs and becoming a prostitute.  Messed up family, if you ask me… But hey, who am I to judge?  I just killed the kid.

Anyway, I took loads of pictures and tried to do it like they do in the movies.  I found out you don’t have to do have the stuff they do in the movies.  I just followed him around campus, acted like a pre-med student… I even picked up some books and spent an hour in the library using a fake ID, fake studying in order to spy on him.

I figured out that he lived alone in a one-room apartment like two feet from his college (Mississippi College — The Christian One… It’s in Clinton, where I live).  I also found out he’d recently broken up with his girlfriend.  Everything was lining up perfectly.  So, one night I snuck over to his apartment, picked the lock (it’s not too hard to learn… Once you get the hang of it, you feel like a pro), and tasered him.  He was out in seconds.  I dragged him out and put him in the van I had rented. (Fake ID, for the wind, much?)  And hauled him to my off-site (not under my house) lair.  It’s a lair that’s underneath this really, really old church.  I’m pretty sure that it was used for torture at one time because it’s PERFECT.

Right, so… When we got there, I strapped him to a table, prepared my knives and such and waited for him to wake up.  He eventually did, and he didn’t seem all that surprised to find out it was me.  He said he had known there was something “off” about me.  I pride myself in being… “off”, I told him.

Here’s how the conversation went:

Him: Are you going to kill me?

Me: Yes, you’re almost too good to kill, though.  Almost.  You know, I’ve been stalking you for over four weeks now… I’m surprised you never noticed me.

Him: I thought I saw you, but I wrote it off as just sleep deprivation.  It won’t do me any good to scream, will it?

Me: I certainly won’t mind.  I’m a bit of a sadist.  We’re underneath the church.  Remarkable how close we are to the college, isn’t it?

Side note:  The church is quite literally only a two-lane road away from the college… And I was essentially underneath the road and parts of the college AND the church.

Him: A bit sacrilegious, don’t you think?

Me: I’m about to kill you, I think I’m far past sacrilegious.

He closed his eyes and a single tear rolled down his cheek.  Then, with a slight smile, I began cutting.  He went quite quickly, I didn’t really enjoy seeing him go.  He was so nice.

If you’re as committed as I am, I’d suggest getting a few different IDs for multiple aliases and if you know anyone who can make fake documents ( I know some of the will-be programmers, hackers, graphic artists, etc. of tomorrow, so I’ve got my things covered.)

Always be prepared to explain why you’re in a certain place and don’t say anything that could get you sent away from a certain place, it could hinder your work greatly.

Know your victim’s routes and routine, the more you know, the better.

6. Kidnapping… Yay!

Moving on to the kidnapping step.

Once you’ve gotten your lovely victim selected and stalked, you need to abduct them.  I’d suggest a taser, a tranquilizer, a poison, or a knife.  You can kill them at the scene and then haul them away or you can subdue them and then transport them.

Make sure the abductions go smoothly and the victims DO NOT get away.  This could prove disastrous.  If you know your history, you’ll know that Jefferey Dahmer was caught because one of his would-be victims got away and rant to the police.

That’s really all I’ve got to say about kidnapping.

7. Securing the Victim

Making sure your victim will not get away from your layer is very important.  I would suggest you get a table with leather or metal restraints for their arms, legs, neck, and torso.  Also make sure if they do get out of the restraints, they won’t be able to get out of the lair.  Even if they get out of the restraints, you can subdue them in the lair much easier than out on the streets or where ever tickles your fancy…

Also, I would suggest you keep them knocked out as long as possible and you kill them as soon as you’re done torturing them… The longer they’re alive, the more of risk they become.

Alrighty!  Check in next time for killing methods, ways to store your food, cooking, and maybe even some body dumping tips!

God Speed, Young Ones.



Choosing Which of your Friends to Eat.

Now, as your pickings become weak (due to this silly economy)  you may have to resort to eating your friends.  But who, you may ask, should you eat first?

As a long time cannibal and killer, I would suggest you kill the most annoying first.  If they bug you to no end, then get them out of this world and start feasting.  If someone starts getting a tad suspicious, you may fall into the line of suspects, but, being a seasoned liar (as you should be) you can wiggle your way out of anything, right?

Police Officer: Is that a human leg in your trunk?

You: Uh… No.  I’m a… Magician.  It’s a part of my trick.  I actually need to get to a show as soon as I can…

Police Officer: Wow!  A magician, sorry man, you can go. *Grin… Wave*

See, just as long as they believe you, it’s fine.  Righto, so try to feast on strangers for the time being, if you don’t, things could get messy!  🙂

I would advise that you don’t eat anyone related to you, or any of your  best friends–not matter how delicious you think they may be.  I’ll be posting a list of rules for Cannibals later on that will continue to grow as I remember more and more.

Ah, so… If you happen to eat someone you’re related to, I suggest you change your name and move.  Quickly.  Because family is usually suspected first.  But if you kill hobo’s and idiots, then the world will be a better place.

With that in mind, I leave you.  Happy feasting.  🙂

God Speed, Young Ones.


The Whole Truth.

Valentines day is tomorrow.  Yup.  Love and happiness and goodness.  Yuck.  🙂

So, on the day of love and awesomeness you probably have that “Special Someone” that you love more than a good, nicely fried finger(or toe).  If they don’t share in your cannibalistic habits, things can get a bit… Hectic.  I mean, how will you take them to dinner when you’ve already been feasting on brains all night?

We’ve come up with some ways to tell your lover what kind of person you really are:

1. The Blunt Approach.

Itching just to tell them?  Then do just that! Tell them what you are, explain in great detail.  And make sure they don’t go to the police.  🙂

Note:  If your lover finds what you do disgusting and breaks up with you, don’t think we didn’t warn you it might happen… And if they threaten to go to the cops, you might have to eat them.

2. The “I love you, but I’d like to eat you” Card Approach.

You’ve probably seen all those Hallmark cards with the cute catch phrases.  Well, why not make one of your own to break the news to the one you love!  Our resident cannibal expert, Brain, once made a card that said, “I love you” in big letters on the front, and on the inside, in big letters, it said, “But, I’d like to boil your flesh right off your beautiful body and devour it.”  And then, in his hand writing, he wrote, “So, dinner tonight? (:  Love, Brain.”

While you may go for a card that’s a bit more subtle, Brain’s card worked and he now has a loving, cannibal wife.  🙂

3. During Dinner Approach.

While you’re enjoying that lovely bit of arm meat steak, why not tell your lover, in quite, hushed, but loving tones,

“Honey… You know what?”

“What, Sweetie bear?”

“I’m a cannibal.”

While it appears to be the same as the blunt approach, the fact you’re eating dinner often softens the other person up and causes them to hate what you are a little less.  🙂

4. The Truth and A Gift Approach.

Who doesn’t love getting gifts?  Psha.  Weirdos, that’s who.  Well, if your lover isn’t a weirdo, why not get them a gift before you tell them what you are.  Here are a few ideas:

A locket: Girls are suckers for lockets and most of them would jump for joy if they received one, regardless of what was inside.  When you get the locket, put a note inside that says, “I love you, and I’m a cannibal.”  Not only will she swoon in joy, she’ll finally know.  🙂

Recording Teddy Bear: Teddy bears are just plain adorable.  Now-a-days, they make some that record messages.  Why not record one for your “Pookie-bear, Sweetie-Pie”?  Some message ideas:

“I’m a teddy bear, and your one and only love got me so I could tell you he’s a cannibal.  Teehee.”

“You’re beautiful.  I’m a cannibal.  Waffles.”

“Love is a fragile thing.  So are bones.  Which is probably why I like flesh the best.  I’m a cannibal.”

However you tell them, make sure they don’t go around telling anyone else, especially the police!

God Speed, Young Ones.