Blargh! Foiled Again!

Cannibal is being shut down to unnecessary content and mostly because the FBI found out… Heh… Eh… Yeah.  Sorry guys!  I won’t be posting anymore.  I’ll be fully handing over my account to the writer of Misadventures Of a Misanthrope.  Heh.  Maybe I’ll see you on the web…

-Chompy.

Podcast #2, Very late… Sorry!

Podcast!

Enjoy, if that is at all possible.  I do hope it’s up-to-par!  Don’t forget to subscribe by email (on the side bar) or tell all your friends!  🙂

Anecdote Time With Brain!

Brain here.  Chompy took the week off.  Lovely girl.  Hate that she’s a cannibal, though.  She coul–wait, she is making something of her life!  What a revelation…

She asked me to write up a story for you guys.  I really had to dig on this one, my abnormally large brain has been… Malfunctioning as of late.  So, I’m pulling this one out of my hat.

A Brush with Cannibals

By Brain McNeurons

I was walking down the street in New Jewsey, looking for some meat.  (You find a delicious amount of Hobo’s there, just watch out for the druggies, if you drink their blood, you’ll get high… And it’s not fun when you fall from that high.  Not. Fun. At. All.)  It’d been a scarce week, I’d only had leftovers from my last few kills, a little teenager here, some smoked guy-who-wasted-his-life-and-is-now-dead there… Over all, a little bland.  Luckily, I had saved the heart.  Man was that good, that teen had really done some exer–Back on topic, right.

Now, you must understand that Chompy, myself, and the other cannibals in MS are not the only cannibals out there.  Now, while they’re few and far between, they’re still there.  Their methods may not be as efficient as ours, but they still uphold the same practice.  We call them “Wildies”.  Pretty Clever, huh?  I came up with that all by myself.

In New Jewsey, there is a cannibal who calls himself “Fang”.  Real nasty guy, even in cannibal terms.  He enjoys prolonged torture and has all but perfected it.  He’s an avid sadomasochist and he truly thinks its his goal in life to kill people and eat them.  Raw.

Well, old Fang doesn’t really like other Cannibals stealing from his territory, so when he heard I was in town, he paid me a visit.  (I was in Jewsey visiting a psychology workshop specializing in the minds of cannibals and Serial Killers.  That’s what I do for a living, by the way, I write books and such on cannibals… And other killers.)

He basically stormed my room, knife in hand, and decided to mouth me off.  Just to let you know, I learned Ninjutsu while in college (All eight horrid years of it.)  and I am well versed in how to fight off an attacker.  But, instead of kicking his butt, I let him state his business… It went sort of like this…

Fang:  Why are you here, worm?

Me:  First off, I’m a human, not a worm, and I happen to be here for a conference.

Fang:  If I hear you’re stealing my prizes…

Me:  So what if I do?  You’ve got enough to feed a cannibal army if you need.  Besides, one missing wouldn’t hurt…

At this point, I wrestle the knife from him and throw it over his head, on purpose, and it sticks in the wall, quivering.  He blinked and grabbed the knife, heading out.  He didn’t say a word, he just grunted as he left.  Odd fellow.  He’s awfully big.  Sort of like a John Cena meets Hannibal Lector sort of thing.  Interesting, is it not?  Yes, yes.  Oh.  Goodness gracious me! My orphan tear cookies are done baking!  Well, I must go!

May the Stars guide you, and your heart forge a path.

-Brain

Nike! Nike! (It’s like Greek or something for Victory…)

Cooking those lovely, dead victims. 

Now that your victims are dead and gone (Yes, like the song) you will need to properly cook them.  Remember that with all meats, you have set backs.  You must thoroughly cook your meat or you might get sick!  I prefer to fry my victims, but there are a host of options for you to pick from.

You can…

Fry Them!  *Sizzle!*

Bake Them!  *Health Nut*

Eat Them Raw!  *EWWWWWWWWWW*

Grill Them!  *Hiiiiiiiiiiiiisss….*

I would suggest you buy a meat lover’s cook book and find some recipies in there.  Here are some interesting Cannibal Dish names.

You can create your own recipies and send them to me at Cannibalweekly@gmail.com! I’d love to have your ideas!  I’ll be posting up more and more recipies; about three-five every two weeks or so.  Watch for them!

This concludes our five *cough*six*cough* article project teaching you how to be a cannibal.  If you have any questions, leave us a comment or an email!

God Speed, Young Ones.

-Chompy.

Looks Like We’re (Almost) Finished Here, Folks. (Part I)

(2nd to) Last Article! This is the last time I’m doing a series of articles.  Ugh.  It’s tiring.  Ok, maybe not the last, but they’ll be shorter next time, I promise.  *There will be a part two, I didn’t expect these to be so long, or tiring.*

Tonight, I’ll be writing about killing and cooking your victims.

*All views expressed in the article come from a cannibal of two years who considers herself a worthy expert on the topic of cannibalism and killing techniques.*

Nifty Disclaimer, isn’t it?  Ha.  Moving on.

And Now, Ladies and Gentlemen, for the most anticipated part of tonight’s showing…

Killing Your Victims.

*Thunderous Applause.*

(If you can’t tell, I’m a bit bored… I should be sleeping… But I’m going to stay up to finish this article…)

Think of every way to kill a person that you can.

If you’re like me, you just thought of about a billion… And one.

I’m going to touch on a few, just a quick over view of what I like and I suggest.

Based on a 1-10 Scale, 1 being a BIG no-no, and 10 being, “You really, really should consider using this.  Yeah.  REALLY.”

Guns:

I’m not a big gun fan.  Guns require a license and they can be traced.  They are efficient, general easy to use and can, if used correctly, kill your victims swiftly.  You can attach a silencer to the gun and it’ll be pretty quiet… Even though your lair should be sound PROOF already.  Over all, a 6.

Blunt Objects:

A bit messier then your average gun, blunt objects can be fun to use but they require a big of strength.  Whether, you’re bashing their head in with a statue, or crushing their heart with a brick, blunt objects are more about letting out rage then efficiency.  I’d give them a 4 due to the blood splatter and the fact they might be able to be traced.

Knives:

My absolutely FAVORITE choice, knives give you just the right amount of blood, you can make them bleed in almost any spot, and there are so many ways to kill them with knives.  You could cut their throat.  You could stab them.  You could hit a major artery, or two… Or all of them.  You could disembowel them.  Endless possibilities.  I’d give them a nine because they’re easy to use, but there is still blood.

Posions:

Easy to use, but sometimes hard to get an handle.  You have to be very, very careful when using a poison because you  could easily poison yourself.  They kill relatively quickly and can be disguised or given bluntly.  I’ll give them an eight due to the danger level but easy usability.

Strangling:

You can use your hands, a rope, a chain, or a cord.  Strangling is harder than you think.  You have to make sure that they’re tied down tightly and THEN you strangle them.  I suggest you use a cord (like… metal or something.)  Just make sure you’re comfortable holding on to it for an extended period of time, because this could get messy.  I’ll give it an eight because it can be used as a torture technique AND a method for killing, but it’s hard to do on occasion.

While there are a million other ways to kill your victims, this is just an over view.  I’ll be back later with part two on cooking your victims.

God Speed, Young Ones.

-Chompy.

This is Getting a Tad Old…

This article and then ONE more!  You’re so happy that we’re almost done, aren’t you?  Yes, I know.  My constant badgering with steps, fancy italics and bold words.  Luckily, I’m almost done informing you on how to become a cannibal.  As sure as I’m sitting here, if you follow my instructions you will most likely be able to be a succesful cannibal killer.

Here are a few more steps:

8. Torturing Your Victims.

If you’re not one to torture, you can skip over this step and move on to the next one, it all depends on your personal preference.  Remember: Cannibalism is all about personal style and flair — as long as you stay safe.

Let’s talk about types of torture.

Psychological:

Psychological torture involves messing with the mind of your victims.  This can be as simple as making your lair look like is a windowless, doorless room.  Or, it could be as complex as making them watch videos you made of other victims you’ve tortured physically.  I would advise you to stay away from this sort of torture until you’ve become comfortable with the rest of the process.  I say this only because psychological torture can be mentally and physically taxing on the tortuerer.  As always, be careful.

Physical:

Physical torture spans hundreds of years and can be looked at a multitude of different ways.  Torture of this sort has been used in interrogation by the government.  It’s also been used by murderers and cannibals alike.  Let’s break this down a little further.

Prolonged Torture:

Torture that takes place over a span of time exceeding one day.  This includes some sorts of psychological torture and certain types of physical torture.  Starving, dehydrating, and malnurturing are forms of prolonged torture.  I enjoy cutting my victims, dressing the wound, waiting for hit to heal, and then cutting over it again.  It usually takes quite some time for me to do it, and it’s the only torture Lillian lets me participate in.

Short Torture:

This includes torture such as: letting them bleed out, letting a disease take them, and using smaller, but more potent, torture devices.  This is completely up to you on what you do to torture them.  Why not check out the History of Torture.

Torture Devices.

Yup.  That’s just about it.

God Speed, Young Ones.

-Chompy.

 

How To Be a Cannibal: In Five Articles.

How this will be set up:

I’ll do an five articles over the span of a few days, each covering a few steps in the process of being a Cannibal.  By the end of the five articles, you will know just about everything you need to know to be a cannibal.  🙂


Step One:

Getting into the Mindset!

As a cannibal, you will be quite literally slaughtering people.  On top of that, you’ll be eating their bodies.  If you happen to have religious beliefs, that could hinder you greatly.  Now, while most cannibals are Athiest, agnostics, or undecided, I have known a few that adopt a religion…

Know your history.  The history of cannibalism spans centuries, and you should have some sort of knowledge of it.  I personally have learned quite a lot and I am working on learning more!  You can begin learning here.  I suggest you begin learning soon.  🙂

Step Two:

Finding your own rhythm.

Every cannibal has their own unique and very odd style of abducting, killing, dismembering, cooking, and eating.  Once you have learned your history, you can see how cannibals have done it before.  If you see a style you like, you might want to give it a try.  I would suggest you experiment with your first few kills, and find a method that suites you, and makes you feel good.  If you decided to do what another person did, or is doing, you should probably add a bit of your own style in there.  Like I said, just do what feels right.

Step Three:

Setting up your lair.

Every cannibal should have a lovely looking lair! I’ve outlined everything you need in this article.

Righto.  I’m going to go eat ramen and some left over arm meat.  Delicious!

-Chompy.