Perfecting the Lair.

Every good cannibal should have their hide-out, super-duper secret lair where they torture, cook, and eat their victims. (Torture is not required.  I myself do not torture.)  The lair should be:

1. Easy to Clean.

No one likes a messy lair.  Even the evilest villains like their evil caves to be pristine!

What I recommend:

If you don’t like the blood, drain it! If all that sticky, hot, messy blood makes you want to just baaaaarf, drain it out of that body.  You can steal an idea from Dexter (On Showtime, look it up, it’s great)  The Ice Truck Killer (season one) drained his victims of blood in a cold room and stored the blood and the bodies for a short period of time before laying them out neatly around Miami.  If you don’t want to store the blood, get an actual drain that leads to a tank, when possible, dump the tank some where.  So, the ICTK(Ice truck killer) would string his victims upside down and then slit their throats, draining the blood from the body.  Slit the throat, let gravity and the heart take over.  Truly simple.  I’d suggest this for anyone who dislikes blood.  It would be best to have a bucket underneath them.  🙂

Have an evil clean-up closet. In order to clean up the blood and other things, you’ll need loads upon loads of bleach and other clean up supplies, so why not have a neat little closet?  Every lair should have one, preferably that blends into the wall, so when your victims wake up, they think they’re in a room with no doors. MWAHAHAHAHAH. Ahem.  I’m not a sadist, I promise.

Have Proper STORAGE. Like the above paragraph says, having somewhere to store things is very, very beneficial to you.(:  If you happen to enjoy eating larger chunks of meat later (thighs, chests, stomachs, or arms) then you need to have proper storage of them.  If they start rotting, the lair starts smelling!  No one wants a smelly lair.  😡  <— That guy has a smelly lair. Now he’s very mad that he didn’t read this article.  Tsk, tsk.

2.  Have a Sound PROOF lair.

When your victims are screaming their heads off as you torture them in… (your basement, your attic, your living room, a trailer in the middle of no-where… A hotel room, etc.)  You don’t want the neighbors to hear, now do you?  You can only blame it on “Oh, she tripped on the stairs” so many times.  If you don’t sound PROOF (note Proof is in large letters.  There must be NO sound leaving.) walls, door, etc.  The police will be able to find you a LOT easier.  Trust me, I know from experience.

Anecdote time!:

Eat-um-up, the tribal name for one of our resident cannibals here in Mississippi, once had a wonderful, two-story lair.  It had every torture device you could EVER imagine and so much more.  It was mind-bogglingly beautiful.   Absolutely great.  But, he didn’t have sound-proof walls! *E-GASP* (*Whisper, whisper*: How dare he!?).  Well, he once had three women in there at once… And when he was out restocking his Bleach supply, a policeman heard their cries, raided the house and Eat-um-up was soon apprehended, arrested, and sentenced to death.

Not a very cheery story, eh?  THIS IS NOT A JOKE.  You MUST, MUST, MUST, MUUUUUUUUUUUST, sound PROOF your lair! I cannot stress that enough to you! Do you WANT to die?  (You silly masochists…)

3. Have GREAT security.

You think having a sound proof room is important?  Well keeping your lair well secured is even MORE important.  If one of your victims happens to escape… Well, you’re dead.  You’ll be found, hiding in your lair, rocking back and forth, eating the last of your thigh meat, singing Bob Dylan songs in a really pitch-y voice, and crying to your mother like a small, emotionally deprived and demented child.  You might even start talking to yourself.  This is what bad security can do to you.  Be careful.

What I recommend:

Always have a lock, a double lock, and a (if you can afford it) digital keypad, retinal scanner, or fingerprint scanner.

Nothing can beat a good-old fashioned digital lock… Unless of course you’re a hacking genius.. But… What would they want with your lair… Nothing, I should hope…

4. Location, Location, Location!

Whether you’re a suburban house wife or a hillbilly with no life, location important when perfecting the lair.  Basements have always made Amazing lairs.  They’re dark, scary, and usually already sound proof.  Large, scary houses out in the country with smaller storage houses out back are great.  Not only will kids dare each other to walk right in, when they don’t come back, no one will talk.  Mwahahahha… Cough, cough, cough.  Why is this still scratched.. Oh, better.  Anyway…

The more remote, the better.  But I do understand if you have to keep it close… Just make sure it’s well hidden and, if you have kids, make sure they don’t stumble upon it… Now that would be an interesting conversation…

5.Comfort is King!

When you’re torturing people for hours on end, or just snacking on your latest victim, you need a comfortable place to sit and “chill”.  I’d suggest an Egg Chair, Bean Bag/Bed, or a Chaise Bed (You can record your tortures and watch them over… And over… And over again!

Whether your victim is comfortable or not is not important.  See, when it comes to a lair, it’s all about YOU.

Good luck on those lairs!

God Speed, Young Ones.

-Chompy